The Thursday Dispatch - June 12, 2025

The Thursday Dispatch - June 12, 2025

I had an episode with depression this past week. It sucks. I was diagnosed with depression when I was a kid, shortly after my parents separated. I was initially diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, after a teacher had noted me being lethargic and disengaged. I was given Ritalin and it did absolutely nothing to change things. Finally, after some EKGs and other analysis, they figured out I was actually depressed. I was given antidepressants and suddenly I was my normal self again.

After some time, I was taken off medication. But, I don’t really feel like my depression ever went away. I know I was depressed in my teens. I tried to take my own life once, but couldn’t go through with it, thankfully. I know I went through it in my 20s, as my self-esteem was also low. I didn’t always take care of myself, which is why I’m missing two teeth today. Luckily, nobody notices when I smile.

I still go through depressive episodes today. They come in waves. I know I have triggers, namely work life and a little too much isolation. Now that I live alone, I’m basically left in a city where I only have a couple of friends with their own lives. Most of my friends live an hour’s drive away in Lincoln. When I lived there, I could usually rely on getting out once a week and that was enough for me. This isn’t an option I have currently.

So, what’s it like to go through this? I can relate it to when I was growing up in Florida and we would go to the beach. I’d be swimming in the water and before I knew it, I would be somewhere around 100 yards or so offshore. I wouldn’t try to get that far out, it would just happen. This is because the Gulf Coast frequently has rip currents. You don’t feel them, they just pull you out and deposit you wherever they subside. So, then I’d have to swim my way back. 100 yards is a long way when you’re eight years old.

My depressive episodes are a lot like those rip currents. I don’t feel them coming, but then I look around and I see I’m there. This past week, I noticed my coffee table was filled with used cups, along with small pieces of trash from food I’d picked up. There were also a couple of used forks. I recognized I’d gone from actually cooking to opting for meals I could warm up with minimal effort. I hadn’t done the dishes, and a week later, the kitchen table I usually keep clean had become a place where I deposit things. There were empty grocery bags and such. Simple things suddenly became inconvenient and seemed monumental.

I worked a late shift a couple of days ago, so I had time to finally clean all my messes up. All in all, it took me about a half an hour. I cleaned off my tables, cleaned out my refrigerator, did a light cleaning of the bathroom, did two loads of dishes in the dishwasher, and took trash out. I felt better doing all of this. This is what it looks like when I’m coming out of it.

I still wasn’t out of the water with it yet, though. That night at work, I could feel the sadness coming in. I could feel myself overthink. I texted a friend, telling them how I still feel like I should just leave Omaha and start over somewhere else, because nobody would miss me anyway. It wasn’t until the next morning when I recognized how depression blows the inner thoughts you have out of proportion. There may be some truth to the things you feel, but they’re probably not as bad as you think they are when you’re in that state. Some people would miss me for sure, for example.

Here’s the thing with all of this. The fact that we have a name for depression signifies that I or anyone else is never alone in this, even if it feels like it sometimes. Know who you can reach out to. Check in on your friends from time to time to see how they are. Sometimes, those little moments can do wonders. Luckily, I haven’t been to this level in 30 years, but in some cases, you could save a life.

Weekly Photo

How happy can a cat be?

Songs in the Chaos

This is my weekly list of songs that either caught my attention or came to mind this past week. I post these throughout the week on a site called Crucial Tracks, where they’re also added to a playlist on Apple Music. Feel free to follow me on either space.