An Unsettling Silence
For years, I’ve run something of a social experiment. Close to a decade ago, I restricted my Facebook wall so only I could post. Partly it was about privacy — I didn’t want to be tagged in anything embarrassing or incriminating. You just never know.
One of the side effects of this has been watching what happens on my birthday. Facebook makes it easy for people to post public birthday wishes when your wall is open. But when it’s not, things get strange. A few friends will message me directly on Messenger. A handful might text. We’re mostly past the age of phone calls, so that’s rare. But most people say nothing at all.
Someone once admitted they hadn’t said anything because Facebook didn’t make it easy for them — this, a day after I’d sent them a birthday message on Messenger, privately, because I didn’t feel the need to be seen. That moment really stuck with me.
It’s not that everyone needs to perform their care publicly, though it’s fair to ask whether a “Happy Birthday!” on someone’s wall is for the recipient or for the audience watching. For some, it’s convenience — Facebook makes it one click away. For others, it’s simply the only connection they still maintain with certain people. But in the process, something has been lost. Social media has turned into a middleman between people who once would have reached out directly.
I guess I’m old-school in a lot of ways. I still love getting a birthday card in the mail. I appreciate a phone call (as long as it’s not too long) or a simple text message. What I don’t enjoy is being dragged online to see who’s remembered me — only to end up doomscrolling and feeling that familiar brain rot. That’s not connection; that’s noise.
Maybe that’s the real experiment: to see how much of our connection depends on convenience, and how much survives without it. I always tell people I’m not hard to find. I’m usually a text away and it really can’t get much more convenient than that to me. It’s low friction, yet it gets the job done. But, it seems like if you’re not wired in to social media then you’re sort of invisible.
All of this said, a huge shoutout to those that did reach out to me directly. I really appreciate it.
