It's Not a Coming Out, It's a Reckoning

In the time I’ve lived on my own for the last eight months, I’ve done a lot of reflection, especially on my past relationships. I’ve analyzed what’s worked, what hasn’t, what I would never do again, and how I’d change my approach. I’m currently content being single. I get to do what I want, and I’m finding myself again. Yet, I know there’s a reason on my end why I’m here again.

Recently, as we went into Pride Month, a friend of mine mentioned he was “demi”. I felt like I’d heard the term before , but I looked it up again anyway. It’s short for “demisexual”, “demi” literally being Greek for “half”, and it’s basically this:

A sexual orientation where someone only experiences sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with another person. It’s not about waiting for a relationship to become “serious” but rather a fundamental difference in how sexual attraction is experienced.

I’ve heard Oprah talk about having her “aha“ moments. For me, this was a ”holy shit" moment. Again, I’d seen the term before. But this time it connected with me at a point where I wasn’t really looking for answers at that moment. It made sense to me this time. Generally, I feel nothing sexually for any of my partners until I achieve a certain level of trust and connection with them. In part, I have to be met intellectually, but also feel like I’m important to that person.

My relationships have all had the same general pattern:

1. Awkward beginnings - This usually includes awkward sexual encounters because I’m trying to go along with something I’m not ready for. Usually, I’m confusing infatuation with something else.
2. Comfort level reached - I’ve been with the person long enough to gain trust, security, and an actual emotional connection with them. This is past the infatuation stage. At this point, I’m actually seeing the person.
3. Connection broken - When the connection becomes fractured, my sexual interest tanks. I actually lived with someone for over a year in this state. It wasn’t personal to them, but I literally couldn’t find it in me to find them as attractive as I did before.

I’ve never been hyper-sexual. I don’t go to bars or clubs hoping to find someone to take home. I’ve had no interest in dating apps filled with people looking for hookups. I don’t relate to hook-up culture at all. I’ve never been someone who gets revved up instantaneously. I literally need the connection first for anything else to work.

All of this is fundamental in how I should approach future relationships. I have no reason to rush things. Further, if I lose someone quickly because I seem “disinterested”, I need to let them go. This is all another thing that reminds me if I stay true to myself, the right people will find me.

Another thing I’ve thought about is the possible need for hard lines with people. Another trend I’ve had is my relationships often come from women in my friends’ circle. Remember, emotional bonds are key here. I can look back at the last 15 years and confirm every last person I got involved with was a friend first. This doesn’t mean I look to sleep with my friends, I don’t really look to sleep with anyone, but the likelihood is there.

So, this means I have to really consider who I actually get involved with. Is it worth potentially making a friendship awkward down the road? I have people in my life I thoroughly enjoy as friends that would kill me to lose over a falling out. Maybe I have to play the safe route with those people.

All of this said, the label is only somewhat important here. It’s important in the sense that this is a thing that some people deal with, in the same way we have a word for depression or hyperactivity. It means I’m not alone in this. In some ways, having a word for this helps me understand it better. It gives me something to hold on to and something to act on. But, it doesn’t change anything about my values; those have been constant throughout, as I’ve always just assumed I was just being respectful by waiting until things felt right. I still believe that. Having a word for this just makes it easier to lean into that because I now have another reason.

But, understand, this is about my own personal wiring. This isn’t a choice I’m making, and more than ever when someone says “this is just the way I am”, I can only understand more what they mean because the same applies to me. On a positive note, this is probably why I’ve never had any whoops babies. Lord knows that the last thing I need at my age. On the flip side, I love hard, so broken connections aren’t my favorite.

I’ve discussed this with a few of my friends now, which has helped me process it. Writing this out has been a bit cathartic (as writing things out usually is for me). This self-discovery phase I’m in right now is important for how I move forward. It feels good when you can be truly honest about yourself. I think that last part is the biggest takeaway for me.

The last thought on this deals with the title of this post. This is not as much a coming out for me as it is a reckoning. This isn’t about my orientation. Being demisexual is only a layer on top of my sexual orientation, for which as far as I know I’ve always been straight. I will never be discriminated against for this. This won’t cost me a job or a home loan. The persecution my friends who are gay, lesbian, bi, or trans have to deal with doesn’t exist for me.

So, this doesn’t really feel like a coming out because that to me involves a high level of fear for many if not most. But, it’s a reckoning because I can only understand myself better through this, which should hopefully mean my future relationships can only be that much more honest and fulfilling. Honestly, a little real love is all any of us could ask for.